Not Even Hardly


Which seems like an appropriate time to clarify what “this” is.

I ask a lot of big questions, I know that.  Not everyone is on board.  I know that too.  (No hard feelings.)

I also know that a lot of people probably think that I’m in a constant state of struggle over these big questions and uncomfortable transitions.  And the answer is, NOT EVEN HARDLY.  Once, it was a more constant struggle.  Not any more.

[For the number people:  I’m in a good or “gooder” place about 90% of the time.  Seriously. 

I think that’s a pretty solid percentage.]

So there is no need to panic.  Or worry about how I’m doing.  I do appreciate the concern, but take heart.  I write about the small chunks of time when I do wrestle with anxiety, doubt, guilt — or the things that I just don’t want to do, but know that I need to — because it lessens their hold over me.  And I think that, if I am diligent in their excavation, there will be a day when these small chunks of time reduce to slivers and then disappear.  But to get there, I have to inspect these emotions as they arise,  to find out what is at the core. 

[Hey…it’s okay. 

It’s just my individualized neurosis.] 

Because when I discover the source of the emotion, I experience an instantaneous surge of relief in my heart and the muscles of my shoulders, neck, and back relax.  Which indicates progress.  Because I know that the specific concern or fear that triggered the last bout of anxiety or guilt will not hold me back again.

When I write about it, it helps complete the cleanse.


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