Which, technically speaking, doesn’t sound like it leaves a lot of room for guilt. Does it?
[And I know what you’re thinking…First, anxiety. Now guilt. When does it end with her?]
(I’m making fun of myself!)
But the thing is…for (more than) two years I have been unemployed, employed via contract, temporarily-employed, and underemployed.
BUT I AM STILL ON MY FEET
(Yes, for personal success!)
For the most part I have remained upbeat and stayed focused on the thought, “How do I know this is the experience that I’m supposed to have? Because this is the experience that I’m supposed to be having?”
[I can’t take credit. It was a theme that I took from a book, but I don’t remember when or where.]
But the truth is…right now, on what feels like the eve of leaving this particular transition of employment…I feel guilty. Because it’s not always been easy, but it’s not been the worst experience either. I’ve realized the freedom and opportunity of this experience. In large part because I’ve had friends and family who let me lean on them and allow me the space to get gritty with the parts of this experience that have not always been comfortable.
So why do I feel guilty? Because I know that there are many others who have not had those luxuries. There are others for whom the struggle has been both deeper and longer. Some who had to do more scratching to stretch the resources that make transition survivable.
I know that my guilt isn’t permanent, but it’s what I feel in this moment. So instead of ignoring or fighting its existence, I sit by the lake and put my face in the sunlight.
It helps. I don’t know why.