I am jittery due to a mix of both excited anticipation and fear. It’s like that feeling you get if you are freezing — covered in a blanket, sitting in front of the fire, and sipping on a hot drink — but chattering nonetheless. Or the mix of emotion that begins to bubble as you ascend on a giant rollercoaster and know that when the descent happens, you will either squeal with glee or scream in terror. Both hating and enjoying the experience.
I feel that. Right now.
Yesterday (with great help from some friends who have been relentless advocates) I found out that I’m a final candidate for a job that I’m enthusiastic about. I can’t believe it — or maybe I don’t want to — because there is still another round of interviews and I accept the realities of the odds. Other applicants are being considered also.
Additionally, I’ve been accepted to do some writing for an online publication. And for whatever reason, I haven’t been able to fully absorb this accomplishment either. It is almost as if I trust the achievement too much, I’m afraid that it will vanish. Just like that.
I’ve been trying to stay in a place of least attachment because I’m afraid that if I sway too much in one direction, I will jeopardize the other opportunity. Because I’m still not fluent in the grey areas of life, I can’t conceive that both opportunities can be viable avenues in my life. That one does not have to come at the expense of the other. Because what happens when the struggle to get what you wanted is replaced by what you wanted?