I had a job interview tomorrow.
Something about that first sentence just doesn’t sound quite right, does it? Well…actually, it is. I had a job interview scheduled for tomorrow. And this morning at 9.01 am, I cancelled it.
You may think it was stupid. I don’t. It was here.
And yesterday as Joe and I were driving back in town, I found myself saying, “Part of me hopes that I don’t get any of the jobs I’ve applied for. I don’t want to stay here.”
Relief followed. Because I have made that same statement, in some form, repeatedly over the years. But every time I muttered it what I meant to say was: I don’t want to be here anymore. And the subtext was, “I’m ready to be entering another stage of life.”
So yesterday I was relieved when I said it and a feeling of finality echoed internally. Now it is time.
It goes without saying that Joe wants me to stay. But because it’s more subtle, I will say: I wish he was at a time in life where he was prepared to leave too. But I’m not and he isn’t either. Neither is bad. Both allow us to be individuals in a growing relationship.
My reason for leaving is intangible. It’s not for work; I don’t have a job. It’s not for Joe; he’s here. It’s for the exploration of possibility. I don’t know “Why?” but I know the answer feels like, “Yes.”
When I thought about writing this post, I remembered a magnet that I gave a girl friend of mine several year’s ago with a Rainer Maria Rilke quote on it. (He wrote Letters to a Young Poet in 1903. I read the book because Sister Mary Clarence told Rita Watson she should read it.) I pulled out my underlined copy and came across these two fitting quotes:
I could give you no advice but this: to go into yourself and to explore the depths from where your life wells forth.
And then (part of this was on the magnet):
Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves…Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
*Sister Mary Clarence and Rita Watson? Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit.