I just made the first step in the possible direction of moving. As in packing the car and hitting another state. Part of me wants to take an exasperated breath and accusingly inquire, “Another?”
But I called a friend and asked if it would be possible for me to stay with her. And this small action brought with it a new bundle of thoughts.
Because as it stands right now, I don’t know if this would be a temporary or permanent move. I’m also not sure why I feel like this is something that I need to do. And I think that it’s this lack of reason that seems to stump me the most, but I just have this hunch that maybe I should position myself slightly in the direction of moving.
I do know that the events of the last few months have culminated with the realization that I want to write. From my perspective, writing is the only thing that I can do eagerly and everyday which would also provide me with the flexibility to live life on my terms. (Meaning the energy to participate in quality relationships, the freedom to travel and explore budding interests, and the dedication to a balanced life.)
And, rationally, I know that I can write anywhere. (Which means I should be able to do it here.)
Here, though, there is so much bustle and there is so much busy-ness. I feel like it takes double the energy to do what I want to do. I am always having to resist the temptation of distraction. I wonder if less congestion, a slower pace, and more green spaces would be like prose for the struggling writer within me.
There are things that I would have to give up and like any decision that is what makes committing to the choice difficult. I would give up seeing Joe everyday; I would give up the routine and stability that I have pieced together in this season of unemployment…I would be giving up on the idea that I am an urban person.
I slowed down as I wrote that last statement because I have never considered myself “urban”. But living in a city does have it’s merits: I have sustained a personal independence, cultivated a necessary resourcefulness, and developed a subtle strength. And all of these are byproducts of a world that came at me quicker than I anticipated. Would I be silly to risk losing all that growth? And do I really want to take the immediate access to all these restaurants, museums, happy hours and distance it? And do I want to do it now? Just as I feel like things could be headed in the right direction.
Have I completely lost my mind?