The first draft of this post was nothing short of a rant. I raged against fluorescent lighting and modular furniture, egoes and homogeneity. But about two paragraphs into the post, I recognized that I was trying to blame an environment for this predatory sense of confusion.
More specifically, I am perplexed by an inability to label myself.
I know. Labeling myself seems kind of counter-intuitive. Particularly when in society today it seems that I am always hearing that people should not be stereotyped or labeled. Sometimes, though, I do give labels to actions or behaviors. This function helps me break down a situation so that I can simplify something complex and put it in terms that I can comprehend. From a place of broad understanding, I can build a plan.
But right now, I’m having a hard time building a plan for myself because I just can’t quite put my finger on some things that would help make some decisions. Liking moving: I’ve lived in this area for 6 years. Here I have built a network of friends, former colleagues, and memories. Yet, this city does not really feel in line with who I am right now and because of that I am having a hard time making any discernible advancement in areas where I want progress. Or maybe I just utilize aspects of this city that are no longer relevant to me.
I like it here; I like the diverse people that congregate here and the culture that they bring; I like how current events are taking place down all of its streets. But let it be a testament to my relationship, that right now I feel like a person who is living here to be with Joe. And that reason seems even better when contrasted against the fact that I don’t know where I would go to develop the things that I want to develop. I don’t know; maybe I don’t need to leave, maybe I need to face the difficulty of trying to reinvent myself in a city that knows me.
I could take off on some nomadic, restless journey tumbling through different places and seeing what sticks. Yet, I have done that and know that it is not really what I’m after right now either. There have been times when that was the experience that I needed. I sought it out and grew from that mobility. But right now, after a week, I would feel like someone who was rambling to try to create evidence of progress. And that doesn’t seem like a very good reason to invade the lives of friends and sleep on their couches for a while.
Maybe I need to take my own advice and wait until confusion settles and clarity comes. Because it does always come.