I don’t think that I have been this indecisive my entire life. So, I have unilaterally decided that this mental vacillation is a temporary augmentation of my personality. Since it’s just a phase, a post-college-experiment-with-new-things condition, it’s probably running near the end of it’s cycle. Particularly since the job market’s inference to my resume is that I am no longer a “recent college grad”.
Yesterday I stated my 97th amended life plan to Joe: I’m going to investigate being a teacher which will start me down the path of working in higher education. Because after all, I was born to live in a college town and if anyone should be paid to spend some time in a library to read, research, and write…that person is me.
All kidding aside, though, I have often been told that I would be a good teacher. I’ve agreed to some extent, but dismissed the idea because I finally learned that someone else thinking it would be a good idea for me does not necessarily make it a good idea for me. In response, I shelved “teaching” next to “dude ranching” in the storage room of my mind. Activities that are both ripe with possibility, but not ready for picking.
Over the last few weeks, though, I have noticed the nagging urge to give something of myself. I think this need has manifested itself with both the volunteering and blogging that I’ve been doing, but something inside tells me that there is more that I can do. There has to be something that I can do, for income, that could help benefit others (even slightly). Teaching might be it.
In the job that gave way to my second round of unemployment, I learned about the health care industry. It would not be a stretch for me to say that I probably met with at least 60 groups a month ranging from health care providers to patient advocacy groups and every type of industry stakeholder. In almost all instances, it appeared to me that the component which would lower costs and mortality rates was prevention. And the precursor to prevention in all instances, not just health care, is education.
I do not have naive notions of being able to go in and save the world one under-served or under-parented child at a time. However, I do think that children deserve to have the presence of an adult who is not entirely jaded towards their community or world. And maybe at this time in my life, I have the energy and experience to be that person.
Maybe? What do I mean, “Maybe?” It sounds like I have it all figured out, right? I have a well considered, perfectly rational thought process. Why can’t a good plan equate to a sound decision? I have no idea, but my mind is capable of acrobatic feats that would leave Blue Angel pilots blushing. On the way home I choked on every unpalatable taste of teaching. I started to dread getting up that early every morning (I am unequivocally not a morning person); I postured that my inspiration was really nothing more than a highly sophisticated manipulation to have the summer’s off; and by the time I got back to Joe’s and encountered his roommate stirring from correspondence with a parent, I assumed that every guardian I would deal with would be annoyingly blind to any of their child’s shortcomings.
I had gone from a deep feeling of relief at having a short term plan that could develop to a long term goal to being buried under the dirt off of a job’s shoes. I was agitated and embarrassed about having again been outsmarted by doubt which then made room for indecision. Doesn’t a girl now SIX months into her third round of unemployment in three years, deserve a little emotional break?! Or doesn’t at least Joe deserve a little emotional reprieve from my pendulum? Come on, mind! Work with me!