Back from Black

2007 was a year of despair.  Anyone with whom I had a viable relationship sensed that I was “off,” while those who met me in 2007 likely thought…well, I don’t know what they thought, but I assume it was along the lines of moody, brooding, serious, not. fun.  (Unfortunately, for community at large, I met a lot of new people that year.)

Towards late summer sullenness hit its apex when I discovered I was disheartened and hopeless, but by fall a rebound created a slight transformation.   No longer was I villifying the despair.  Resigned to the idea that this was how I felt, I began to feel less guilt for my emotions.  This shift, however, was probably not perceptible to others.  In part because I dressed like a zombie in mourning.

All I wanted to wear was black.  Head to toe.  Black pants, black dresses, black turtlenecks, black heels.  If I was feeling risky I’d wear grey, but my primary preference remained black.  Black belt.  Black headband. 

I guess it was a decision to adopt this particular monochromatic uniform, but I don’t think I rolled out of bed in the morning and said, “Hello, world!  Today I will greet you in black.”  In hindsight I’ll say this blackboard of fashion was a sign that I no longer mentally hid from my inner turmoil and was showing the world the state of my mind.  However, I didn’t see the philosophy of it then.  I saw it as simply following through with the desire to wear certain articles of clothing.  They all just happened to black. 

One morning, though, I realized I was choosing my fourth black outfit of the week and found myself thinking, “This is what they mean when they say fashion is expressive.”  Not really knowing what I meant by that statement, I paused to consider wearing something grey, but then shrugged at the silliness of the suggestion and continued to dress in a black shroud.  “Whatever, if I want to dress like I’m attending a funeral, I’m also going to wear black earrings.”

I mention this now because it is in such vast contrast to what I’m wearing today: a light blue skirt, a top that could only be called magenta and a scarf given to me by a girl friend from a Turkish bazaar which beholds a kaleidescope of colors.  I look sprightly.  And as others pause to assess my fashion impulses (because I know they do), I think I look the healthy reflection of my inner landscape.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Back from Black

  1. William

    Wasn’t the reason you were wearing all black in 2007 because you were immersed in the goth subculture?

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